Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
Randomize
