The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
We had to coat check the pizza.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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