Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
Randomize
