So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
The best feeling....farting and having the bubble hit your balls
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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