My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
you want to go make fun of the strippers on try out night
i got kicked out last time for laughing
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
the liver wants what the liver wants
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
