That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
Admittedly I was a little ambitious with some of the positions but you walked in during the worst of it.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
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