is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
If it makes you feel any better... I have a friend who found out her mom was in the video for 2 Live Crew's "Pop That Pussy"
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
Randomize
