He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
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