Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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