If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
