Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
