So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
Randomize
