So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
Randomize
