dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
