DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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