Need sex. Gaining weight.
I was rubbing the clit just like wikipedia told me to.
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
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