Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
Randomize
