They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
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