Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
