The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Randomize
