I will die if light touches me.
i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Randomize
