Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
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