you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
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