the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
