the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize
