he puts the penis in happiness.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Randomize
