Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
that is very illegal...i love you.
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