All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
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He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
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I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
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