Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
Randomize
