I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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