Who did Billy Mays play for?
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
