Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
he doesn't sweat normal. maybe that's what THC smells like coming through the sweat glands...
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
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