if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
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