Damn I can't remmbre the last tome I had sobr sex
Um. I believe with my boyfriend, slut
Fuck. Wron person. But yea
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
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