I found somebody to have a 3 sum with
shutup! Who?!?
Hahaha April fools!
I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
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