3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
I murdered the dance floor call the cops
Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
Someone signed my nipple.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
