8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
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