i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
