So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
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Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
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I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
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