i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
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Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
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My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
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