my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
And then the night went full on bisexual.
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
All the doctor said was why
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
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