Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
what the fuck happened to the tacos
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
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