Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
Randomize
