This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
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