kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
