i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
do you think they ever dumped Gatorade over Michael Vick's head after his dog won?
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
Randomize
