what if every blade of grass was a penis?
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
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