you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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