**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
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I just showed my boobs to our astate representative hahahahahahha
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
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He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
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