dude, wtf is with her now? she has stuff up about how i am kicking her while she's down
wtf? who are you bitching about me to now?
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize
