Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
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