I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
