Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize
