wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
Randomize
