i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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