Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
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