ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
I need a beard to bite.
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
Randomize
