i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
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