dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
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