Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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