you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
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Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
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I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
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