Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
