well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
Randomize
