You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
Congratulations! We have a period
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
Help. Why am I so naked?
Randomize
