So drunk, too bad you don't want this
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
Randomize
